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Soccer Transfer Rumors 6/22

Posted by Parks on June 22, 2013 at 2:30 AM

For any soccer fan, the offseason during the summer (aside from the MLS fans out there) means the summer transfer window opens!  For those new to the wonderful realm of soccer, this means that clubs can now begin to buy and sell players to make money and strengthen their lineups for next season, but the best part of the transfer window is the rumors, and this year like every other year is filled to the brim with some real juicy ones.  These posts will review my top 5 transfer rumors along with my opinions on them.  So without any further adieu, lets get to it!

1. Gareth Bale

The hottest commodity in this years transfer window is by far the Welsh Wizard on the Wing.  But enough of the alliteration, Bale has certainly earned his position at the top of several clubs shopping list through his very consistent performances on the wing scoring 16 goals in 24 matches and assisting in another in the Premier League alone, which are Ronaldo level stats (SPOILER ALERT! not going to be the only comparison to Ronaldo in this article).  Despite being a sublime player up front, he can also drop back and defend as well as play up the middle.  His knack of scoring goals also comes from his shear sniper-like precision when taking free kicks.  His stance when taking freekicks resembles Ronaldo's almost identically and is just as deadly and more consistent than Ronaldo's in his current form.  One question remains:  Will he leave?  Short answer: Yes.  Long answer: Yes, but it won't be pretty.  A player of Bale's ability doesn't come walking through White Hart Lane's gates everyday, and despite Tottenham being a big club in England, its European prestige isn't exactly the same calibre as Real Madrid's; Bale's biggest admirer, and with Tottenham not qualifying for the Champions League this season, the Magical Welshmen will be more than happy to take his talents to the Madrid this summer.  Is it a smart move on Real's part?  No, and this is where it gets interesting as Bale will now be competing for playing time on the left wing with Ronaldo, a battle he will most certainly lose, and with Los Blancos potentially trying to snatch up notorious Serbian biting, Ghanese hand balling, Evra abusing Liverpool striker Luis Suarez, Bale will be out of a spot on the first team until he learns how to use that club he calls his right foot.  However, if Bale were to stay with The Spurs, he'd become and instant legend umongst the Tottenham faithful and Andre Villas Boas could begin to build a team around Bale that could get them into the Champions League and perhaps even get them to an advanced stage of the tournament itself.  Even if it is a stupid idea for Bale to go to Real, my opinion won't stop him, he's a big boy and can pick his own battles, but if he's hungry for European glory, he'd better be prepaired to starve because despite the Spanish clubs big spending and high profile managers, they still haven't won a Champions League in eleven years and counting.

2. Wayne Rooney

Everyones favorite English Redneck comes in at number two, not only because he's tried and failed to leave Manchester United before, but because he will fail to again, and it will be a good laugh for all.  Most non-soccer followers will at least know Rooney's name if not some of his accolades or his bicycle kick against Man City, but what most of those people do not know is that for a while now, his form has been suffering as of late and he is most certainly no longer "The White Pele".  The problem with Rooney is consistency, in fact I don't even know if he knows what that word means or how to spell it.  During his youth at Everton and then Man United, he was a key performer of a United team that went on to win the UEFA Champions league in 2008 along with several Premier League Trophies along the way, but since then his form has become like a caffiene stuffed child using a light switch, it constantly flips on and off.  This basically means that he is a world class player, when he's not trotting up and down the field like the mindless troll he is.  Don't get me wrong, when his form is on, he can pull some magical stunts, like his overhead kick, but whens he's off, I'd rather have a rock instead of him, and at least the rock would be better to look at.  The really interesting thing is how will he do with a club thats not Manchester United?  PSG and Arsenal are some potential suitors for the hair transplantee's services, and while the potential of seeing Rooney in a Gunners jersey is amusing, it is more likely that the Parisian club would foot  the most money for the England international.  The real question here is: Would it be a good fit for Rooney?  The short answer is: HELL NO!  The Long answer is still HELL NO!  He wouldn't fit anywhere else other that Manchester United.  He's become the poster boy for Man United (unfortunately) and he has a short shelf life.  His health habits are atrocious, how many pro athletes can you list that smoke and drink on a regular basis, well one for that very short list is Wayne Rooney.  He is also in his late twenties which is when most players are in their prime, but Rooney has been putting up performances that are less than par for him, at least at club level, and if he signs a long term contract with another club, whoever signs him won't be able to turn around at the end of his contract and make any money off of him, and thats one hell of a gamble for ogre with a hair problem.  Do I think he will stay?  Yes, and even if he does leave, he'll regret it becasue Man United gave him everything, and he won't have the same platform he's on now anywhere else in the world.  As for his future at United, he has shown promise in midfield, and a spot there could be worth his weight in gold with United's dire need for a stronger midfield presence, but with the likes of Micheal Carrick and the possiblity of Thiago Alcantara in midfield, Rooney's going to need to shape up, get his shit together, and start playing like he has a brain in the place where all of his hair transplant plugs are.

3.  Luis Suarez 

The possibilty of Ole Dirty Suarez to Real Madrid is a very interesting prospect not only because of his insane talent for scoring goals but that he is the perfect fit for their central striker position which up to this point has been inhabited by the almost non-existent presence of Karim Benzema and Gonazalo Higuain because of his excellent finishing and good ariel presence, but also because it would be hilarious to see Gerard Pique fend off the ravenous Suarez and his taste for human flesh.  Its unclear why Benzema and Higuain have been so ineffective in their efforts this season, perhaps its Benzema's inability to show up to practice due to his license always being suspended by the Madrid Police for speeding, but at least he has an excuse, Higuain on the other hand is a truly good striker who doesn't end up in trouble, but he has just been simply impotent up front for Los Blancos.  With Suarez desiring a transfer away from Anfield this summer, Higuain probably leaving this summer to London and Benzema still unable to drive, this leaves a perfect hole in Real's starting eleven for Suarez to fill.  With his knack for finding the back of the net coupled with Madrid's signature left winger and wherever they can fit Bale, Madrid will be carrying enough fire power to put a U.S. Navy Battleship to shame, and even if they fail to win a European Trophy, Real Madrid can always rely on Suarez to entertain and excite, or to just eat someone, preferably Segio Busquets, I even heard he tastes like fish.

4. Gonazalo Higuain

Poor Gonzalo Higuaout is, despite his current form for Real Madrid,  a proven goal scorer and a world class striker.  A move to a club like Arsenal would be a good move for the Argentine seeing as how if he stays where he is, he'll be playing second fiddle to a troublesome Frenchman and sandwhich to a bucktoothed Uruguayan.  However, he will have to compete for his playing time with Oliver Giroud unless Wenger decides to break out of his wrinkly shell and change his formation form a 4-3-3 to something more two striker friendly.  Maybe this competition for playing time with Giroud will bring out his form again, whatever it does for him, his future is most likely red with whiter stripes.

5. Razvan Rat

In another one of West Ham United's glorious ideas which includes signing Andy Carrol (and thats really all you need to hear to know why this article is sarcastic), the heavily indebted London club have decided to sign free agent and Romanian international Razvan Rat.  Personally I don't care what else happens with the transfer window this season because this signing is my favorite one of the season, and its only the start.I'm not even a West Ham fan, I might have to buy his jersey for next season.  But seriously, what else do you need to know about this guy, his name is fucking Rat!  Regardless of what happens this transfer window, I'm as sure as Torres missing a wide open net that this transfer window will be full of exciting news and crazy deals that can only be seen to be believed!

Categories: Soccer

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